Grateful

Only days ago, I lay on my floor crying harder than I have in a long time. I was feeling hurt and rejected and generally down.

After several minutes of intense bawling, I decided I needed the kind of comfort that has only come to me through prayer and reaching out to my loving Father and by allowing His Son's Atonement heal my broken heart. I desperately needed the warmth and clarity that has come previously through the Comforter.

Habitually, I begin my prayers with the things I'm grateful for. When I began my first sentence, I paused at the silliness of it all. Here I was in a moment of great despair, and the first words I uttered were "I'm grateful for". Surely, there could be nothing in my current state worth feeling grateful for.

However, I quickly uttered, I'm grateful for these intense feelings. I realized that if I was feeling this much pain, it was because I had also felt love and acceptance just as intense or more so. As painful as it was, I was grateful to feel, to care, to be aware of my well-being.

I expressed gratitude for many other things and asked for things that eventually soothed my soul. I was grateful for the perspective I received in that moment and for the other events that day that were truly answers to my prayer.

After tossing around a Frisbee for an hour or more, a couple friends and I took a seat in the luscious grass of the park to enjoy the sunset. While we basked in this everyday but never common beauty, we talked about how we had spent the last week.

I told these two guys about going home to St. George. The highlight as always was seeing my niece, Emma. Brad asked how old she was. He then remarked with real sincerity, What do you do with a 3-month old baby?


Well, you enjoy watching her being herself.


And you revel at the fact that this tiny human has such a complex body structure. And you wonder how it happens every time. I mean, you've read about it in books, but wow! It really works.
And all the while you are thinking these things and watching her every movement, you realize that it isn't just fascination. It's love.
And you heart melts.

Then you realize you aren't just watching her. You are adoring her. And you try to soak it all in.
And you feel grateful in your heart that you get to experience this awe and unparalleled love.


And then you do eat her toes. (That was Nick's answer.) And kiss her face just to watch her eyes get bigger as you get closer.

And then you let her tiny hand wrap around your finger.


And then you tell her stories hoping she'll reciprocate. When you finish your story, you stop and listen. Then she starts to tell you a story. Her face lights up and her expressions change while she rattles off what sounds like nonsense to you, but you know it probably has a much deeper meaning, since she did just leave God's presence.

And you delight when she squeals.
And you gladly feed her because that is one of the greatest interactions. There is a special bond that occurs while you feed her. She stares ever so peacefully into your eyes, and in your heart you promise to always keep her safe.

And you are grateful that time seems to slow down, because you cherish every moment.

Help make a miracle happen

It all started when I was elected vice president of my elementary education cohort. I was more than willing to take on the role, although I was a little uncertain about working with the girl who had been elected as president.

We had our first presidency meeting and my concerns were validated. She wanted to support the members of our cohort by recognizing individuals with weekly spotlights and awards.
I didn't. That was too much work for what I imagined we'd get in return.

I wanted to keep things simple. I accepted the nomination thinking our role was mainly to act as liaison between students and faculty meaning that I would have the chance to debate an item or two. She accepted the nomination thinking that she would have a chance to love and care for each individual on a deeper level.

Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of love for a lot of people, but I'm also a no-nonsense kind of girl. I don't like frivolity. I would rather spend my time concentrating on my school work or talking to my classmates than filling out award slips and making cute things to give away.

Without having to talk it out, we compromised. She cut back on the "things" we were going to do and I supported her in the "things" we kept.

We spent a lot of time together in those first few weeks. She called weekly meetings. Although a little annoyed, I am quite an obedient person. I attended my meetings and bit my tongue and her wild suggestions.

I don't know exactly when things changed. All I know is that this forced relationship blossomed into one of the most beautiful friendships I have ever experienced.

Jodilyn and I are closer than I normally allow myself to get to someone. She knows my deepest darkest fears (I rarely let anyone know that because I more comfortable working the confident/strong persona...I don't want anyone to think I'm insecure or incapable in any way). I can confide in her and I trust her judgment and value her advice. She shares with me her frustrations. I tell her when she's being ridiculous and that she should let it go. She tells me when to feel more rather than trying to push the experience away.

We also laugh a lot together.

When Jodilyn welcomed me in, I became a part of her family. I was a regular in her home and at her family functions.

Jodilyn has two sets of children: her own and her husband's. Although with as much love as she has, you would never know the difference. I was invited to attend birthday parties of her children. When she and her husband were sealed in the Temple, I volunteered to babysit the grandkids so that everyone else could attend. It was then that I first met her husband's children: Andrea, Toby, and Brynn and their families. My admiration for them was immediate. I've been fortunate to have subsequent interactions with them both in St. George as well as in their homes in Utah County.

Toby is a mother of four children. She is one of the most loving mothers I have ever been able to witness. She is self-sacrificing, a noble exemplar, a patient teacher, and a loving wife. She also has Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

Toby was diagnosed with MS at 21. She was a new wife and a young mother. The diagnosis didn't stop her from living. As difficult as it may have been, she is true to her family, true to her faith, and true to her life. She now has four children, her oldest just graduated from kindergarten.

Her own diagnosis hasn't been the only medical trial she has been forced to endure. Two of her children have significant health issues, her son, Chandler, has had 16 surgeries in his short life.

She says on her blog, "I had given up on those dreams [of having a healthy future and growing old with my amazing husband] and I figured I would just make the most of what time I did have."

One of the ways in which she has attempted to make the most of the time she has is to research options for treatment. She placed herself on waiting lists for surgeons in other countries who were performing procedures that were alleviating major symptoms of MS. Of course, these waiting lists are very long and the cost for the procedures are thousands of dollars (plus travel expenses).

Just recently, she received word that a surgeon in Costa Rica would be able to fit her into his schedule for Liberation treatment on June 24.

This is exciting news!

Yet it does come with a financial burden that Toby's young and growing family is not quite prepared to bear. I'm sharing this, because they need our help. Toby's siblings have set up a paypal account (and a Wells Fargo account) to collect donations. Please donate if you can and link to her blog to help spread the word.

Toby already has made a beautiful impact on this world. I can imagine the marvelous things she'll be able to do with increased energy and time here on earth.

To my niece

Dear Emma,

I can hardly contain my joy! I am so happy you are here in this world and that I get to be a part of your life.

You are born to such a wonderful father. Your father, my brother, is one of the most loving, gentle, and dearest people in the world. He is the best older brother a girl could've ever asked for. He cared for me. He guided me. He protected me. He taught me so many wonderful things. He has been there for me when no one else has. He has blessed my life in more ways than I could ever express.

Now it is your turn to experience the greatness that he has within him. He will love you and cherish you all your days. He already does. He will teach you the things you need to know. He will guide you through life's journey. He will give of himself freely. You already hold a special place in his heart. You will get to know the tenderness that is his heart. He will love you with the deepest and most sincere love.

Although I haven't met you yet, I love you, Emma. I, too, will teach you, guide you, and cherish you. I will be there for you like my brother has been there for me. I will do as he taught me; I will protect you.

I cannot wait to hold you, my precious niece. I will shower you with all the love I have.

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing you with health and strength. You are so beautiful. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Love always,

Aunt Katie

From the happiest aunt in the world

She's born!

Emma Jeane Gause

Born Monday, March 15, 2010

12:06pm

St. George, UT

6 lbs 14 oz

19 inches

She's showing you that she has the strength to face this world.

Proud Grandma!

Sleeping beautifully!

Emma will be loved and protected by a father who cherishes her.

Together

A Mother's Hands

A dear sister shared the most beautiful tribute to motherhood today at church. I will do my best to record the words she spoke.
Sister Harker said,
A few weeks ago, my youngest daughter had her first baby. My emotions were very close to the surface. I repeated over and over that I couldn't believe my baby was having a baby.
After the baby's birth, the nurse was doing what she's supposed to do: scrubbing and cleaning and pricking. Ellie was doing what a newborn is supposed to do: crying at the top of her lungs. I decided to reach out and touch Ellie's hand in hopes of making her first few minutes of life more comforting. Ellie wrapped her little hand around one of my fingers.
Holding hands is one of the greatest ways we connect with one another.
As I thought about these hands, I reflected on the hands of my mother. She used her hands to hold me and comfort me as a baby. She held my hand as I experienced the new things in life. She used her hands to clap for me at my dance recitals even though I wasn't very good; she thought I was good. She clasped her hands in prayer in my behalf. She held my hand on my wedding day and let it go so that I could take the hand of the man who would be my eternal companion.
I don't know when it happened, but one day the roles reversed. I now held her hand. I held her hand as I guided her through the grocery store. I held her hand as I took her to get her hair done. I held her hand, aged and covered in brown spots and deep blue veins, as she passed from this life. I look at my own hands and see how they are beginning to resemble hers.
I find joy now as I watch my own daughters as they use their hands to comfort, guide, cheer, and pray for their own children.
I see a mother's hands, and I feel love.

On this day of Valentine

I was scheduled for rounds on Valentine's Day. I made sure the boy who I was rounding with knew that it was Valentine's Day and that I expected flowers and chocolates. He then suggested we have candlelit rounds. We even got it approved by the Resident Manager.
I decided that I couldn't expect all that from him if I wasn't willing to do something as well. I wrote him this poem and regifted a box of chocolates a fifth grader had given me.

Dustin oh Dustin
You are so incredibly kind.
I cannot imagine
A more perfect Valentine.

When I saw that we were scheduled
My heart skipped a beat.
An evening spent with Dustin
Is always such a treat.

A romantic moonlit stroll
As we round past every door.
Great conversation and some laughs--
I could not ask for more.

We reach a door and you pause
Just two hims and not a her.
I'm always so impressed.
You are such a great listener.

We are forced to stay up late,
But I see each minute a treasure.
Any time spent with you
Is always my pleasure.

I sometimes pray we have a problem
So we have no other resort
Than to spend ten more minutes together
Filling out an incident report.

Dustin, oh, Dustin
I hope that you'll be mine
As we round the dorms together
On this day of Valentine.



He loved the poem.
Alas, he showed up empty handed. Men.

Generating sparks in our wheels and our hearts